The Art of the Open-Ended Question

As the mother of a teenage son, I was counseled to get the lines of communication going with him by using open-ended questions. What are open-ended questions? How are they different than closed-ended questions?

Closed-ended questions are questions that have an answer of either YES, NO, or a few words. Here is an example: How was your vacation? These kinds of questions are likened to multiple-choice questions on a test. These questions typically open with Are? Do? Who? When? Where? Which? Sometimes they begin with What?

Open-ended questions are ones that require an explanation and encourage discussion. Here is an example: What fun things did you do on vacation? These types of questions are like essay questions. These questions typically begin with How? Why? In what way? Sometimes they start with What?

The benefit of using open-ended questions is that you demonstrate an interest in the other person. I certainly want my son to feel I’m interested in him.

Before I opened my mouth, I asked myself, “Is what I am about to ask an open-ended question or a closed-ended question?” At first, I was surprised to find that my mind more readily went to closed-ended questions. I felt like I was learning to speak a different language. But the more I practiced it, the easier it got.

Of course, many times when I asked the open-ended question, hoping for a discussion, I got shut out with an “I DON’T KNOW.” Teenagers say that a lot. I’m not sure why, but I think it has to do with that they aren’t up to having a conversation at that moment. They may be thinking about something else, or they may not be interested in the topic. I try not to take it personally, realizing that I will have other opportunities. The point is I must keep trying, and not give up.

Occasionally, my open-ended questions worked, and we would get into animated discussions, usually revolving around cars. Note to moms with teenage sons: they like to talk about cars. Not just makes and models of cars, but about all the different parts of the cars. You’d better read up on motor mounts and drive axles.

Once the discussion gets started, I realized that I needed to be careful to encourage it, which is another skill altogether. If my son says something I don’t agree with, or it is shocking, I needed to not jump in with a “This is what you should do…” or chastise or criticize.

I made it a goal to have a minimum of 15 minutes of conversation with my son every day. I told him this was a requirement. The first day we did it, it was awkward. The second day we had a 45-minute discussion. Bingo!

Open-ended questions are useful in many relationships. Parents, educators, counselors, journalists, investigators, mediators, and salespeople should especially learn this skill. Conversations with workmates and even strangers can become more vibrant and satisfying.

What about you? In what areas of life have you been effective in using open-ended questions?